This last week has been a real emotional whirlwind one for me, so the words below all represent a very small snippet of what I have been feeling lately. I have had some really intense highs...being at home in Kansas with my extended family and girlfriends who have known me virtually all of my life, followed by returning back to Dallas and feeling.....well.....lonely. There it is. I almost can't believe I have said it out loud.
I am having so many internal battles at the moment.....many of which my husband, bless his heart, just doesn't understand. When I am at home with my family and my childhood girlfriends, I am myself. When I am in TX, without all of them, I feel like I am only partly being myself. Now please, please, this isn't about marital issues at all. I love my husband, I want to be with my husband, things are fine between me and my husband. But I miss home. Terribly. And what I have there, I do not have here from both an emotional, and physcial, support system. Having two kids is hard, having two without any family or friends around, is even harder for me. I want my kids to know my family, and not just for a week or two at a time a few times a year.
Being grateful is my husband's whole point, he thinks that instead of focusing on what I don't have, I should be focusing on what I do have....and I agree. But what he doesn't understand is that I am grateful for what I do have, those two things are not necessarily mutually exclusive in my mind. I am so grateful for him and my boys, but what I feel he doesn't understand is that I need more. I need family. I need friends. Having both is essential to being me, I think.
I also have this internal struggle with how hard to push for what I think I need....do I push to move back to Kansas? What if he agrees, we get there, and it was a mistake? What if we move and he is unhappy? Was that worth it? Is me being lonely worth it?
At work, I am counted on to make impactful decisions every day, and I make a lot of them. Yet, I do not know what the right decision is for my family in this situation, and maybe at the end of the day, that is what I am struggling with the most. Is what is right for me, also right for my family? Is that even a fair question?